Confessions of a Mad Country Club Housewife

WHO DAT!

countryclubhousewife315 — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 06:59:32 +0000

The underdogs!!!!Everyone roots for the underdog! Hey when this whole thing started I rooted for Brett Favre… I figured he’s the oldie…. “Show EM , BRETT! SHOW EM WATCHA GOT!!!!! ” One things for sure… He got shown some of what THEY got……

Then I rooted for Payton Manning… HEY what can I say!!!! He won me over when he did that little dance on Saturday Night Live to that Henry Mancini Music from that (1967?) movie “Casino Royale!” Lol. Or was it Burt Bacharach HMMMM. I think it was Bacharach….

Anyway, I pondered…. WHO DA heck do I root for NOW … I couldn’t figure it out ….

When one team was loosing, I’d find myself rooting for them; the moment the other was down” RUN!!!! GET HIM!!!!” seemed to leap from my lips like a gold medal diver!!! I rooted for the looser at any given moment. I didn’t discriminate… “your loosing I root for you,” Folks around me thought I’d just fallen off a fruitcake paddy wagon.

I could not help but fall in love with Drew Bree’s gorgeous baby… I couldn’t make up my mind… “wishy, washy’s” my new nick-name at work!

Now all my friends are, Who Dat’s! Oh ! Facebook’s littered with who dat’s; “Mary Jo Who Dat Johnson,” “Alison Who Dat Weiner,” “Marie Who Dat Asshole!” (sorry I couldn’t help it). So…. “What’s in a name?” asked Shakespeare… Hmmmm I wonder…. Country Who Dat Club Housewife? “Country Club Who Dat Housewife? WHO DAT COUNTRY CLUB HOUSEWIFE? Hmmmmmm

©copyright, 2009, Confessions of a Mad Country Club Housewife, all rights reserved. ©countryclubhousewife, “Confessions of a Mad Country Club Housewife” and www.countryclubhousewife.com, 2009.Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Countryclubhousewife and Confessions of a Mad Country Club Housewife with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

WORK

countryclubhousewife315 — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 01:44:51 +0000

All I have to say is ….. “Why,”….. The dreaded task we all lovingly know as work is trampled upon on a daily basis…. I don’t know why, I just know… we were getting ready to playing bridge once ( I know, I know… a lot of people laugh at that and …let’s see what expression should I attribute to this statement … Oh I know.. ) EXCLAIM “I didn’t know people play that anymore.” UGH…. YEAH!” Apparently I do… along with 3 other women… NO… You may not ask why… which brings me to the airheaded bimbo who lives behind me … lets call her “The Intruder,” who decided to attempt to take my place at bridge. When she asked where I was (the only fateful afternoon I was late)…and one of my partners replied “work”…. she countered with a “WHY,” accompanied with a look of dismay…. This shouldn’t come as a surprise to you but my neighbors are snobby rich bitches who worry more about their manicures than the possibility of global warming, nuclear meltdown, the end of the world as we know it, and the near extinction of man (give you some insight as to my neighbors?), not that you couldn’t figure it out by now.

Three Women: AKA bridge partners:

1. Who spends most of her day on the phone with her neighbor across the street talking about the rest of us…, Mildred.

2. Our plastic surgery dictionary…. Ruby… (Ex stripper who married the club-owner, divorced him for her first plastic surgeon), she’s had five kids, six tummy tucks, 3 breast augmentations, Jose the Gardner, one nose job, Pierre the Caterer, 2 cheek implants, Dennis the tennis pro, a chin, Bob the Golf Pro, and laser hair- removal all over her body ( she makes Mr. Bigglesworth , Dr. Evil’s Cat, look Hairy).

3. Dolores, Happy Homemaker (x-prom queen), room mother, sagging breast, who currently has an appointment with Ruby’s hubby (Dr. Tips) to fix them.

So When I arrived “The Intruder” looked miffed she’d be out of a bridge match and suggested we get another group of four women to join in …. “We could rotate tables, and play matches against each other!” ….. To which I replied, “WHY?”

YES, we’re a bunch of bitches, and proud of it!

STORES, DRESS SIZES AND DRESSING ROOMS… THE STUFF OF FAIRY TALES!!!

countryclubhousewife315 — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 17:40:44 +0000

Ok, so I go into this store and pick out a few things…. I happen to have had this weight gain, weight loss era from which I have emerged not knowing the size I am…. Don’t ask me why I just don’t look at the garment I’m wearing at the time for direction…. most manufacturers play with sizes in order to play with our wallets… you really have no Idea…. anyway…. I choose three sizes of each garment I have considerable interest in and proceed to the cattle herding pen we call a dressing room. I obviously have exceeded the limit of garments allowed, as I’ve picked out 15 outfits and have about 45 items with me….. the sign says, I can only take 6 in at a time!!!!!! Way to go! When I am done trying the first six I come out to ask the dress room assistant for the next couple outfits. She looks at me as though I have a third head screwed to my body… I don’t recognize her so I ask her, “Where is Lucia?” “Oh,” she replies smiling, “We changed shifts! She’s gone home!” Sooo.. I ask her, “Where are my clothes?” “Excuse me?” She says smiling….
“You know, the one’s Lucia was holding here for me?” “Oh!…. I though those were to go back on the floor! I AM SOOOO sorry!” with a sheepish smile she let me know… You do not collect $200, you do not pass go, you go back to the jail that is the department store and start All over again! …. and… this is the wonderful thing that is my day today I love my life!

IM BACK

countryclubhousewife315 — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 03:10:32 +0000

I’m Back………………………………..
This a what I call the proverbial excuse of why I’ve been gone guilt written statement and I promise I will try my best to make one….. but guess what? I’m not… I don’t really care what you think just take it as it is…. I’m back ….. My husband just left to go to the our local, neighborhood, homophobic, silicone breast filled, supermarket… for breakfast supplies. So…. I figured I should rant and rave about the idiot woman next door who gave her 5 year-old child a go-cart for Christmas and rides the damn thing more than the little booger!…I wouldn’t care if it weren’t for the fact that she goes round and round my cul-de-sac , waking me up Saturday morning at 11:30! Who the F does she think she is, the President of the homeowners association? HMMM…. Uh OK… She is!!!!!! But what the HELL!….see you soon !
I’m Back! And this time for GOOD! I HOPE!

©copyright, 2009, Confessions of a Mad Country Club Housewife, all rights reserved.
© countryclubhousewife, “Confessions of a Mad Country Club Housewife” and www.countryclubhousewife.com, 2009.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.
Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Countryclubhousewife and Confessions of a Mad Country Club Housewife
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Income TAX!!!!!!

countryclubhousewife315 — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 00:57:50 +0000

Tax time boys and girls!!!!!!!
You heard of “Crack is Wack?” (If you haven’t, look up Keith Haring)
Well TAX is WACK!
So I’m at the accountant’s office and he tells me I have to pay almost a thousand dollars….
I ask him… How’s that? Last year I had a refund and I made twice as much and I had a refund 3 times the amount of what I have to pay?
He chuckles and says… You worked less this year so you paid less withholding in taxes so you now have to pay more…… SOMEONE! PLEASE EXPLAIN! I’m working LESS? SO I PAY? MORE??????
Beside me, sits a woman in a Canary yellow suit, a pink diamond ring, an original Chanel briefcase with matching shoes (by the way they say “matchy- matchy” isn’t “in” anymore), AND, she’s paying less taxes than me, mind you, she will receive 5 times more than I got back last year (that’s when I got the BIG one, refund, that is)….. LOL… OK That’s IT!
I’m buying a whole new wardrobe for my new job (a deduction under my business expenses), a Mary Kay pink Cadillac, and two barking Chihuahuas in a Louis Vuitton bag to complete the look…That should do it…. That alone will cut my taxes by good 75%!!!!!!
My accountant’s Cuban…. I got there at 7am…. I didn’t get out till 2:45pm…. NO, he wasn’t with me the whole time…. it’s the day before taxes… hundreds of people in line (it looked like the line around Radio City Music Hall when the Rockettes do their Christmas show! His helpers were so rifled they were handing out shots of Cuban coffee to the “Fainters!” If you didn’t faint you got little tea crackers, or Little Debbies! On top of that …. It’s Cuban time…. What? What’s that you say… you don’t know about Cuban Time? Let me “esplain”…..
Cuban time is the time it takes you to get somewhere multiplied by the time it takes you to get ready multiplied by 4 to the 10th degree on steroids if you couldn’t buy Crack from your dealer that week…. That’s the time it will take you to see the accountant… then when you see him… he’s on another time meter…. criminal time; NO, NOT because he’s a crook- he’s actually very sweet and charges a really reasonable rate- but because he is so fast only a criminal could beat him….Criminal time is …. The time it takes a crook to hold up a convenience store divided by 10….. That’s the length of time it took him to figure out my taxes… roughly? Hmmmmm
2 seconds! The guy’s a genius…. It just takes a long time to see him….. I LOVE my CUBAN ACCOUNTANT! Please, don’t tell him I wrote this!

(Please note- this is fiction and fun! It’s meant in good fun and not to be taken seriously!)

Theme Parks !!!!

countryclubhousewife315 — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 02:24:47 +0000

Yea!!!!! Time to recreate!!!!

If you took your Toddler to see Santa or the Easter Bunny for the first time and they threw a Fit…
What makes you so sure you’ll go to a theme park and he’ll react any differently to two large chipmunks a Dog or two mice…… Hmmmmm….

I don’t understand people that do that to their kids! I was at a very popular theme park (let’s just say, the MICE reference lets you know which one) and I see these parents trying to egg on their little boy to speak to these two chipmunks. He (the little boy) was HYSTERICAL!

Let me put it to you this way; a Polaroid picture of me at the back of a dark alley face to face with Hannibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs), Norman Bates (psycho),The chainsaw massacre guy and the little girl form the ring, ALL, holding their respective WEAPONS of choice, would have been a happier picture…..
That little kid was SCRRRREAMING!!!

The parents hang on to one of the chipmunks’ arm (the other chipmunk took off like a bat out of hell) asking him not to leave (he’s sort of tilting in the opposite direction; DESPERATE to get away (Probably a scared 18 year old in the suit). “No, please we just want to take a picture,” the parents pleaded with half a smile; “LIL junior” sees his chance to escape and takes off running through the crowd like a rabbit chased by rabid dogs. The mom takes off after her son; security arrives only to find DAD hanging on to the “LONE” chipmunk for dear life pleading for a pic ….. It was a STRANGE, STRANGE scene, to say the least….
Parents put themselves through the craziest things! But they are really asking for it…. NOT ME

I decided I’d quit (that sweet parenting thing that creates BRATS) when “THEY” (MY Brat Pack) initiated the let’s make faces at dinner thing …

I took the BULL by the HORNS! We were all sitting at the dinner table and… “Ok, here’s the deal guys….You obviously don’t like my cooking cause, I mean…. Look at you!” I couldn’t believe it. they all tried to look down at themselves, some even tried to “HOLD” their expression and peek in the mirror….. “You guys look like cows being led to the slaughter house”… my little one ask “Mom, what’s a slather house?” I said never mind then I went on strike for 9 years and guess what? They like my cooking a LOT better than take out now…

Oh, we still go to the park now and then… but…. they still run away from the chipmunks!

©copyright, 2009, Confessions of a Mad Country Club Housewife, all rights reserved.
©countryclubhousewife, “Confessions of a Mad Country Club Housewife” and www.countryclubhousewife.com, 2009.Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Countryclubhousewife and Confessions of a Mad Country Club Housewife with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Easter!!!!!!

countryclubhousewife315 — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 01:58:45 +0000

It’s not fun being the fiftieth wheel at a Party!
Ahhhhh Yes!!!!
It’s that time again…. The neighborhood streets get clogged with Passover dinner traffic good Friday somber and The Christmas counterpart… Easter Bar-b-Q- egg-hunt extravaganza!
Yes a time to watch the kids play, the husband grill and my mother-in-law praising my inadequacies in phrases she can only design to be….. Nonchalant!
All I have to say is Bologna!!!!! This year I’m going to kick my husband’s sorry ass out of the grill and I’m going to make reservations at a restaurant… even if I have to go to Burger King I am not going to entertain anything at my house other than the termites that snuck in during raining season….. Do they ask to be served? No … do they talk too much? No, they’re too busy eating the supporting beams of my house (bless their sorry little souls…soon to be dead souls next Tuesday when “Terminex” will wipe them out in just a couple hours).
I had the pleasure of being invited to one of my daughter’s play-pals Easter egg hunt one year. I didn’t know anyone there. All the women wore little yellow sleeve-less dresses in 45 degree weather and wondered why I had the audacity to wearing corduroy slacks with a polo turtleneck. I’m sorry…. I will not pretend spring has sprung if it decided to arrive late. They went in the pool! Their complexions resembled a bottle of “Dasani” water locked up in a Coca-Cola cooler.
Anyway, my husband couldn’t make it…. He was away with his brother on a retreat his mother booked for them to bond on Pool, Eat, Scratch, Eyes,Announces (another discussion, another day, but just on a side-bar… Didn’t they have that growing up?). A short stalk-ish guy ( looked like a George in Sienfeld ) comes up to me and ask if I’d come alone and how did I know the family; this guy’s making a Pass at me! So, I get rid of him by acting like my daughter needs me at the slide…
Shortly there after , this blonde-bombshell with big hair, a New Jersey accent and pair of heels the size of the Empire State building sidles up to me as well (she looked like Loni Anderson meets Marissa Tomei), she was really really sweet. She introduced my daughter to her little boy he’s so cute I say…..and then…… (In a New Jersey accent) “He is cute isn’t he? Just like his Dad… I just want to eat him up! My husband is the most handsome, gorgeous, beautiful man in the world, if I even remotely CATCH a woman next to him I will scratch her eyes out!” Oh wow! I tell her… so he must be like a Tom Cruise, or a George Clooney? “Oh Yeah… He’s really HOT… he works out and has the body of a Greek God!”
The Hostess approaches the swing set and announces brunch is served… we make our way to the buffet when the heavy set George Costanza looking guy approaches and I’m thinking Oh my baby Jesus…. And then….
“Honey!!!!” the blonde-bombshell shrieks “this is my new FRIEND…This is my Gorgeous Husband!!”
Oh My…….
I love Easter, don’t get me wrong ….. I just hate the social aspects of it!

©copyright, 2009, Confessions of a Mad Country Club Housewife, all rights reserved.
© countryclubhousewife, “Confessions of a Mad Country Club Housewife” and www.countryclubhousewife.com, 2009.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.
Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Countryclubhousewife and Confessions of a Mad Country Club Housewife
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Shopping!

countryclubhousewife315 — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 20:51:32 +0000

Oxymoron
I’m a talking, breathing, eating and sh…….ng OXYMORON.
Ok that word! Greeks supposedly came up with it.. So it is not at all related to Saxon tongue… but really…
OXY? …. it sounds like that guy on TV…. “Clean your shirts, toilet even your Back porch tile with “OXY-CLEAN”! OR… you go to the hospital and you get a shot of Oxycodonne! OR, better yet, the drug dealing pimp (who lives in the “pimpest” house in the country club) got rich selling “OXYCOTTON”
And then there’s the “MORON” part of the word…. No explanation needed there…. I AM not going there.
Anyway, I go to this mall, looking for a dress I need for a dinner engagement …. I think to myself….
“I’m not going to get all dressed up just for the mall … no one’s going to see me” I just wanted to find this dress and split…. Hmmmmm….. Who ever said life was this simple doesn’t live under a head riddled with high maintenance demanding hair, an overweight child-production-line body and tired feet. Yes! I don’t care what you think about me …. My feet are tired… I run around all day chasing little, more nimbler feet than mine!
So I head for the mall, no make up, no-hair day, just a comfy sweat suit…. I head for Nordstrom and as I collect the dresses I’m trying the sales associate looks at me… you know? The “UP and Down” look… peering over reading glasses…. SNOB-look. I heard her do the “hmph” thing.
My next door neighbor, her two brats, the head of the PTA, my sisters therapist and my Gynecologist were all there. F*&*!
I get in the dressing room … I’m in there for the whole of 15 seconds…. Completely naked and this woman tries to open the door asking if I need help! WHY? Who trains these people? They do this every time… I should be used to it… Till the Bratty kids look under the dividers and scream at their mom that I’m naked….. wonderful!
Anyway I try on the dress… I’m looking at myself… I frown and the lady knocks again! I open the door a crack, hiding my body but she somehow pries it open “Oh my goodness! You look Beautiful! Greta ! Greta Come here, doesn’t she look adorable?” She calls my neighbor the brats and my “gyno”… they look at me puzzled as the sales women praise my good looks! The captured audience tilts their heads….
AGHHHHHHHH!
Have you ever seen “ROCKY?”…
Yeah Picture that! I’m his girlfriend! No not the AFTER!
The BEFORE!
Well at least that’s how I feel… I mean I don’t exactly look like her but… I’m a LOT cuter.
What ever!
These two sales women are complementing the dress going on about… “It’s so chic” and “you really have to have it!” I think they’re on commission…. It was a $595 little Beige dress, washed out my pale pale complexion like Freddy Kruger coming at you with blood-stained chainsaw…. Whatever… next dress was a real winner.. At the sales woman’s suggestion, I try this dress….
Up close, it looks like a flamenco dancer fought an abstract painter on acid while having rough sex with the bull-fighter…. All I have to say to you is “Bows Gone Wild”, “Debbie Does Cali, New York and Miami as Well””, “Heidi On crack-An Intervention Story” and “Jessica Simpson still doesn’t know about chicken of the SEA!” video next at 6:00… think about that… think about that for a long time….
I look at the price… $2,750 (It had a slit that ran to the back of my BUTT!). Who the HELLL does this woman think I am? Some rich lady from the Country Club?!?! Hey! I’m an out of work lady from the Country Club… Quit judging me by my ZIP CODE! I KNOW she’s on Commission…
The Lady next door got talked into buying an orange fiery leopard skin print on the guise that it would make her husband hot for her…. YEAH.
The “gyno,” actually made it out of there ok…. She got a red dress with a little flower on the low-cut part of the back (where the TRAMP-STAMP is supposed to go). It sounds really bad but trust me it was cute.
I finally bought this little black dress number … it was a cool $175 number on sale for $89.
I may not be sexy, but I’m HOT! It was sexy! I felt HOT! Damn, pre-menopausal hormone rage!

©copyright, 2009, Confessions of a Mad Country Club Housewife, all rights reserved.
© countryclubhousewife, “Confessions of a Mad Country Club Housewife” and www.countryclubhousewife.com, 2009.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.
Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Countryclubhousewife and Confessions of a Mad Country Club Housewife
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Football!!!!!

countryclubhousewife315 — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 23:14:14 +0000

My brother in-law has this Chair… it cost about $1200.

I don’t know, to me? It just looks like a fancy Lawn chair.

It’s all leather and metal… beside the arm rests it has two cup holders, an ash-tray (he doesn’t smoke), and a DELUXE … remote-control holder (holds 3 remotes like a real champ!)….

WOW....

His TV is like 6 feet wide (I lost count of how many inches long ago they change it every year).

Men intrigue me…. why would you need a special chair just for football?

I mean … He doesn’t play football. Last time the men in my Family went outside and threw a football around, one threw out his back instead, the other complained of chest pains, thought he was having a heart-attack (popped a couple of nitroglycerin pills, only to find out he had heartburn, after fire-rescue arrived), and the last one sprained his ankle (it got as big as a grapefruit). They’re masochists, though. My sisters and I stand by the kitchen window after Thanksgiving, watching them, each clenching our car Keys.

I applied for this job?

It’s described as an account executive position for a pharmaceutical Company. In the requirements section it says… best applicants come from the Sports arena. So I told them I was in track and field in High School….

They said, “Oh so you were on the girls varsity team?”

“No, I was in Field Day!” I smiled…they looked at me Funny…

WHY?

It’s not like I was lying! I WAS in track on the field at High School! All on FIELD DAY!

But wait….. What’s the College Football Player got that I don’t? Drive?… Well his Drive sure didn’t find his sorry ass out there…. I didn’t see any of them there!

What?

Does he have to jump over people to get through the Door of a Gynecologist office? Does he have to tackle the pregnant moms? Maybe one’s in labor and she’s being really bitchy. The nurse comes out, motioning “Jock-guy” in…. the bitchy mother-to-be jumps up, blocks him with her belly…

“Out of my WAY jock!!” (it’s her first-born.. you have to excuse her….hormones, you know)

“I was here first, Bitch!” He grab’s his briefcase like a football player, showing off in front of his cheerleader-girlfriend, puts out his arm, tackles her, slides by the door and gets in…..

Hmmmmmmm! Yeah, I guess I couldn’t do that… It would really wrinkle my silk business suit!

Well my interview didn’t go that well today…… Maybe Tomorrow!

©copyright, 2009, Confessions of a Mad Country Club Housewife, all rights reserved.
© countryclubhousewife, “Confessions of a Mad Country Club Housewife” and www.countryclubhousewife.com, 2009.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.
Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Countryclubhousewife and Confessions of a Mad Country Club Housewife
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Change!!!!!

countryclubhousewife315 — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 19:15:46 +0000

CHANGE!!!!!!
I’m so sick of hearing about change…….
Frankly, you guys know nothing about change.
What was that saying?

“Careful what you wish for?”

A few months ago a friend of mine buys me this book…. “The Secret!” I hadn’t heard about it yet…
“Oooh... I think…
“THE SECRET!”… steamy hot romance novel?!?! …”
NO WAY!
This book deals with what vibes, words or thoughts you put out there… Like signals? … to the UNIVERSE?!?!
HEY NOW!…. don’t look at me like that! I did NOT write the book…. I’m a believing reader……
The premise…..
Basically, your thoughts words and actions are powerful…
What you whine and constantly complain about… you WILL receive!
It’s like “ASK and you shall RECEIVE?” … It’s not that easy though…
The Universe Only works in Positives…

TRICKY PART?

Ok, I’ll just have to show you….

Example…
Imagine you’re paranoid about catching some bug when you visit people at the hospital….
You CAN NOT go in there thinking… “I’m not gonna get sick, I’m not gonna get sick…,”
because you WILL get sick!
According to this theory, as I interpreted it, the universe only registers positives; It does not accept the words NO, Can’t, or NOT etc….
So your statement ends up as…. “I’m gonna get sick, I’m gonna get sick”… Yea Yea I know ….

You are probably thinking the Universe is Stupid? … Don’t laugh at mother Nature… She’s a Bitch named Freak N. Hurricane ! (Rick James Background Music here… )

The CORRECT way to enter the hospital is….
“I am healthy, I am strong. I will resist anything. I will exit this hospital as healthy or even healthier than ever……”

So I continue reading this book and I’m thinking….

I remember telling a professor in college about missing class on Friday….
“Dr. Matthews, I won’t be in class this Friday because I have this doctors appointment…”
I’m biking with my then boyfriend now my husband fall, cut my leg open on a broken beer bottle, and GUESS what?
YES! I wind up at the doctors that FRIDAY!!!!!!! I’m flipping out as I read on….
I try and explain to my husband? He thinks I’m “LOONEY”!

So a friend of mine throws this fundraiser at the country club …
Women show up clad in nothing but Low cut halter tops, painted on pants, and body piercings, they look like “Biker-Barbie” does “Street Car
Named Cougar-Ho-Bag.” Thirty-six Double-D’s all cosmetically enhanced! with a full-lower complimentary (butt restructuring) package! I’m in a suit! One of them approaches, perfectly erect, displaying her wears and squeals “Oh my, GOD ! You made it ! I thought it was a nanny, but then I noticed your husband!” She grins at him, all wide eyes and “Bushy tailed?”

I look down at my poor little drippy-B’s and cringe, as my husband drools!
“NOPE! Not nanny!!! Perhaps your doctor mistook your brains for one of those silicone implants! HeHeHeHe…” she didn’t get it…

That’s when I made the fatal mistake! I thought….. My Boobs are sagging!…… Instantly I took it back NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
From then on it’s happened everywhere! Everything I did Affected what the Universe would give me or my perception of it!!!
I’m at a restaurant… I spit a seed from my appetizer into my napkin…. I think spit… look up… from the waiter springs a crooked smile … and I think… “Spit!… My food!… He spit in my food!”
I’m on a tennis team in the country-club?
I think for a second “I AM NOT losing to these Bitches!!!!” Guess what?
I LOSE!!!!!!! (Universe doesn’t register negatives) To the Bitches!!!
I am gonna go insane with this!!!!!

I get home, see Keeny G playing with his sister in the front yard… I’m thinking.. “Please don’t come over, Please don’t come over….”
As soon as the Garage door closes….. He’s KNOCKING!!!!!! Little Pimp!

“Elephants!”

OH no!!!!!! please note I’m in a restaurant having wine in a crystal goblet, and I’m seated at a glass top table… BULL! … Now you did it, I thought….
The Circus was in TOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ( a building outside the window sported a circus poster).
That will be in the news tonight! Damn!

©copyright, 2009, Confessions of a Mad Country Club Housewife, all rights reserved.
© countryclubhousewife, “Confessions of a Mad Country Club Housewife” and www.countryclubhousewife.com, 2009.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.
Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Countryclubhousewife and Confessions of a Mad Country Club Housewife
with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.